I remember the day I saw that video. May 26. A video of a man pinned down by the police popped up on my Twitter feed. It was so much more than being pinned down, but we have all seen the video so I'll spare the details. What I remember most vividly was how sick and angry I felt immediately; it was really painful to see. I watched the entire video all the way through because I was so appalled that a human being could subject another person to that kind of suffering. 

Never in my 20 years have I felt so angry, disgusted, and fueled by hurt as I did on May 26. I'm black. This is not news to me, I know America and the system were not built for us. I lived through Trayvon Martin, Philando Castile, and Sandra Bland. But this… to see it with my own two eyes rather than just hearing another story, to be so blatantly exposed to the harsh reality and to be old enough to fully comprehend how real this was took me out. I was with my best friend, and I could not stop voicing how insane and disgusting that video was. I never get angry, but that day I could not contain my rage. It hadn't blown up yet, so I talked with my friend, my mom, anyone who would listen trying to comprehend if this was really happening in the day and age that we lived in. The reality is racism has never left America.

I fluctuated between anger and incomprehensible sadness up until the last day or two. I would indulge myself in social media as everyone went up in flames the same way I did. There were days I was so mentally exhausted and hurting that I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone or look at anything anymore. There were days I cried and I wasn't sure why. I saw so many people show their true colors of their ignorance, annoyed at the amount of racially fueled content. I don't apologize for it either, these are our lives. We are angry. And so many non-black allies would be ridiculed by their families for taking part in the movement. I can't begin to tell you the amount of times I have heard "All Lives Matter", "there are good cops too!", "white people are murdered by cops".

All lives cannot matter until our lives matter. Stop obscuring the message, stop invalidating our struggles, stop putting yourself at the center when we are hurting. I will always educate and advocate for those who are willing to learn, but I have no energy to give to ignorance and hate.